I really need your help as I've found myself stuck in a “situation”. I get on with the people at my business really well, too well in fact! We’re one big group of friends at work. One of my colleagues is on track to manage my division, which I am gutted about because I've been working so hard for that role. To make matters worse, this person has made some advancements at social events. I don't see my colleagues in a romantic light, but this person has made it known to me that they have intentions beyond friendship. How do I get out of this situation without jeopardising my job, losing a friend, or hurting my colleague and destroying the culture we have at work?
First off, let me offer a virtual high-five for this submission. Relationships at work are still very much a taboo topic and HR crisis, which is quite frankly shocking considering over 60% of adults have had a workplace romance and 43% of us have married someone we met at work.
I sympathise with you, as you’re faced with multiple problems here that we need to unpack before we create a plan of action. This will involve protecting your reputation whilst fighting fires and handling the promotion heartbreak. But foremost, creating healthy relationships and boundaries at work.
Before I go on, I must stress the importance of your safety and beg you to request a private meeting with HR. Should this situation escalate with or without your consent, you will need their support and guidance. However, I appreciate some of us aren’t privy to straightforward processes or established HR functions. So given we’re taking this at face value, I am going to assume that this situation you have found yourself in isn’t loaded with malice or ill intent.
Let’s keep this professional, after all, I am here to offer career advice.
To begin, let’s talk about that promotion.
It’s perfectly normal to feel gutted and annoyed when someone else snags the promotion you had your eye on. Allow yourself a moment to feel those emotions, then pivot towards a proactive mindset. You could request a meeting with your line manager to discuss why you weren’t chosen and what specific steps you can take to position yourself for the next opportunity. This will show initiative and a commitment to your personal growth. It might sting, but you’ll need to support your colleague. Congratulating them can boost your reputation as a team player. Besides, their success doesn’t diminish your worth or potential. There are many reasons why some people are given promotions over others, a lot of conversations go on in the background, so it isn’t as black and white as many people think it is.
When it comes to your colleague’s romantic advances, maintain a calm and collected demeanour. A firm but kind approach should be the first step, and explain that you want to keep the relationship professional and have no romantic interest.
Privacy is key, so avoid public confrontations. A private, friendly chat over coffee away from the office can help you address the situation without causing a scene or spreading office gossip.
Sorry to be a bore, but you must document everything. Keep a record of any inappropriate advances. This isn’t about being paranoid; it’s about protecting yourself. If the situation escalates, you’ll have the necessary documentation to support your claims. Also keep track of any conversations you have with this individual so you have a paper trail, summarise what was discussed in each meeting, if necessary.
After the conversation, ensure things aren’t awkward by treating them the same as before. This will help reinforce that your professional relationship is still intact and important to you.
I expect they may react, and you’ll need to respect that. They might need some space to process their feelings, and that’s okay. Give them time, but also show through your actions that you’re committed to maintaining a positive working relationship.
Zooming out, it’s worth creating healthy relationships and boundaries with everyone at work.
Be friendly, but firm about your professional boundaries. By all means, participate in small talk, office debates and social events, but keep the details of your personal life selective and appropriate.
Lead by example and respect everyone else’s boundaries too. This will generally encourage a culture of mutual respect and professionalism. There’s a fine line where you can become overly familiar, and that may be giving others the wrong impression.
Open communication is key. If someone crosses a line, address it directly but kindly. “I’m not comfortable discussing that at work,” is a phrase worth memorising.
With the right approach, you can protect your role, maintain professional integrity and keep hold of the friendly atmosphere you so clearly cherish. It’s all about balance, respect, clear communication and boundaries.
And, one final note before I let you go - remember that your work is not your personal life. As great it is to have a tight-knit culture, these people aren’t your friends, they’re colleagues and should be treated as such.
Yours in professional solidarity,
Candid Career Coach