Saying ‘No’ is not selfish.
We talk about setting boundaries quite regularly here.
That’s because it’s one of the essential tenets of cultivating a work-life balance that suits each unique lifestyle.
Really, setting boundaries is all about the choices we make.
We all have the right to structure and prioritise the different facets of our lives.
We can often feel as if claiming agency over our time is selfishness, and like we are beholden to others. That may be a combination of our families, friends, partners, and who we work for.
Try flipping this on its head. When we realise that constantly stretching ourselves too thin is actually a disservice to all those people and most of all ourselves, we can reframe our attitude around those choices and boundaries.
We’re responsible for balancing those things in a way that allows us to give our best to all those different areas, be it work, parenting or social life.
Focus on what you’re saying ‘Yes’ to instead.
All this being said, saying ‘No’ always feels a bit wrong, doesn’t it? It feels like we have to justify ourselves. But a ‘No’ isn’t actually just a stubborn refusal, it’s simply a choice like everything else.
This brings me to this quote by author Eric Micha'el Leventhal:
“Every no is a yes to something.”
In a work context, the choice is often made for us by the pressures of time, the importance of tasks, or the expectations around us.
‘No I can’t take on that project right now’ actually means ‘Yes, I’m going to commit more of my time to this other priority in order to succeed.’
In a personal context, we struggle more to say no to others and yes to ourselves.
For instance ‘No’ to a party invite when it’s a ‘Yes’ to staying in and watching Netflix. Or even ‘No I can’t come to your wedding/ be your maid of honour/ go on that holiday’ when it’s ‘Yes’ to prioritising your finances or well-being instead.
To remain optimistic here, we usually feel this guilt because people are fundamentally selfless creatures; we’re social and we want to please others. But the pitfalls of compulsive people-pleasing include exhaustion, burnout, and then isolation.
Remember that when you say no to someone and yes to yourself, no to a commitment and yes to rest... You’re not letting anyone down, but taking care of yourself and allowing for more ‘Yesses’ in the near future, rather than a slew of ‘Nos’ resulting from burnout.
What if I’m saying no to the wrong things…
The idea of making these constant choices in life can be overwhelming.
Every time I say yes, what am I saying no to?! Where am I missing out? Which are the right choices?
We have to act intuitively. Go with what you need at the moment, often your subconscious or even your body will tell you what it is if you listen.
Author Matt Haig uses this wonderful phrase:
“Get a routine baggy enough to live in”
Humans are too complicated, weird and unpredictable to put on a schedule.
Have you ever scheduled revision for a test only to procrastinate until the last moment? Or schedule in some downtime only to dive into work because either inspiration or restlessness arises?
It’s human nature. You’ve got to let your choices align with how you feel.
Get talking in the comments about when you've learned to say No, either at work or beyond...
